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1440 Media: Piper Perabo

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THE JERSEY GENOME PROJECT
By Matthew Leary & Andrew Manning

When we first noticed Piper in The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, we thought, "Whoa--those wacky scientists somehow managed to genetically splice together Jennifer Love Hewitt and singer Heather Nova." To most guys, that is not a shabby combo. Of course, environment plays a strong role in the ultimate development of a person, so two individuals sharing a slew of traits on the genetic level won't necessarily grow up to be identical twins. All three lovely ladies mentioned here are obviously unique, and even Piper, who we believe to be the resultant, looks considerably different from both Jennifer and Heather on occasion.

But after a long, drawn out study conducted with the aid of five supercomputers at NASA headquarters, we discovered some compelling evidence supporting the HEWITT + NOVA = PERABO hypothesis. Scientists from leading biotech companies were pulled from their daily routines to investigate the matter further, and DNA samples from all three, supplied from the central database in Washington that nobody knows about, were analyzed. For now, let's examine the first half of the equation, that is, the genetic similarties between Perabo and Hewitt:


Jenny Lovin' Her Puppy

Zoom In
This is a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt from an appearance on the Tonight Show. Everyone knows Hewitt and Perabo both manifest the "CUTE" gene (XC-1014), but our investigation takes us deeper than that. Look closely at Hewitt's eyebrows in this photo and the close-up below it. Observe the way the eyebrows sweep upwards at almost right angles on the edges that are near the center of the face. The ability to furrow the brow in such a manner is directly controlled by a gene trait, as are the abilities to roll the tongue and wiggle the ears. Although we have no comparison photo at the moment, Perabo can be seen doing this move when she is sitting in the backseat of the police car in 'Rocky and Bullwinkle.' This brow furrow, when manifested in females, has the evolutionary advantage of helping them get their own way via sympathy. It is closely related to the POUT, which is also controlled by gene DR-3622.

Square!
We realize these are not nearly the most flattering pictures of these women, but the advancement of science can sometimes be a grim business. To the left is a shot of Hewitt from 'I Still Know What You Did Last Summer' in which she is being terrorized. To the right is Perabo from a photoshoot in which the genius with the camera obviously said, 'contort and pretend you're singing a Rolling Stones song.' What these pictures demonstrate is that both actresses share an activated MZ-1067 gene, which grants the ability to twist the mouth into a square.

Wide
This is an example of the above gene being put to good use. MZ-1067 also contributes to the Big Smile trait. Unfortunately, this trait is also invariably tied to a defect in which the head will automatically tilt slightly to the left in the presence of flash photography. Notice the angle of the heads of both Perabo and Hewitt: both are tilted at identical degrees. In addition, their shoulders are also tilted at like angles. The two are so in sync that they could do their own SNL Roxbury skit. These two photos were taken at completely different points in time and space--only genetics could explain this uncanny similarity.

Perabo and Hewitt also share the following genetic similarties:

  • Active DR-3625 gene, responsible for POUT mentioned above.
  • Suppressed OD-7598 gene, one of the primary causal agents in aging. When suppressed, this gene allows an actress to believably play characters five to ten years younger than her true age.
  • Hyperactive TA-7666 gene, which bestows the ability to disable in men the part of the brain responsible for higher thought patterns. Can be switched on or off at whim.
  • Hyperactive PU-3301 gene, which causes an overproduction of pheromones that attract stalkers and webmasters who produce overly obsessive content.

That's all for now, folks. Stay tuned for more evidence in the near future. We'll add the third element (Heather Nova) into the equation shortly, and then expand upon the Jennifer Love Hewitt side later. Join the Mailing List for notification of more theories. This is an ongoing process. In a couple of years, we'll have you all agreeing with the notion that Piper has been created with help from the Jenny Luv and Heather Nova genomes--which would be quite a feat, considering Jenny Luv is about two years younger than Piper.

-Andrew Manning/Matthew Leary


See Also: Jennifer Love Hewitt

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